You know you’re in Canada…

You know you’re in Canada when:

You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie…with only 8 buttons
The mosquitoes have landing lights.
Leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
You can get a pizza to your house faster than an ambulance

You know you’re in North America when:

They have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
We use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
People order large fries a double cheeseburger and a diet coke.
Banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the desks.

You know you’re in the USA when:

Drug stores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front!
FYI: Can’t buy cigarettes in pharmacies in Canada.

 

You know that you are Canadian when …

You know that you are Canadian when:

You’re not offended by the term, „Homo Milk.“
You understand the phrase, „Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield.“
You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.
You drink pop, not soda.
You know what a Mickey and 2-4 mean.
You don’t care about the fuss with Cuba. It’s a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars.
You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.
You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.
You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion and many more are Canadians.
You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!
You know what a touque is.
You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced „Zed“ not „Zee“.
You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
You know how to pronounce and spell „Saskatchewan.“
You perk up when you hear the theme song from „Hockey Night in Canada.“
You were in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
„Eh?“ is a very important part of your vocabulary and more polite than, „Huh?“
Winter. Whenever you want it. And then some.
There’s German food, Italian food, Chinese food, Armenian food, American food, but NO Canadian food.
You call a „mouse“ a „moose“.
You like the Americans a little because they don’t want Quebec either.
Contests run by anyone other than the government have „skill-testing questions“ that winners must answer correctly before they can claim a prize.
Everything is labelled in English and French.
Milk comes in plastic bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
Mountain Dew has no caffeine.

 

You know you’re from Ontario when…

You Know You’re From Ontario When…

„Vacation“ means going to Barrie for the weekend.
You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
You often switch from „heat“ to „A/C“ in the same day.
You use a down comforter in the summer.
You think of the major food groups as deer meat, fish, and berries.
There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the Canadian Tire store at any given time.
Your provincial capital calls in the army to help clean up after a snow storm.
Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump
You, and you, alone decide who will win the federal election
You’re in the only province with hard-core American-style crime
MuchMusic’s Speaker’s Corner – rant and rave on national TV for a dollar
Baseball fans park on your front lawn and pee on the side of your house
You know there’s no such thing as an Ontario Seperatist
Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition
Lots of tourists come to Toronto because they mistakenly believe it’s a cool city
Have a new/better hint if someone is from this province? Send it in at the bottom of this page.
You have enough French vocabulary to get by some of the day in Ottawa without them thinking that you’re a completly incapable American.
You find -40C a little chilly.
You voted Liberal in the last election.
You understand the Labatt’s Blue commercials.

 

Du weißt, dass Du aus Toronto bist …

You Know You’re From Toronto When…

A really great parking spot can move you to tears.
You can recommend about 3 good body piercing parlours.
You make well over $100,000 and you still can’t find a nice place to live.
You realize there are far more rainbow flags in the city than Canadian Flags.
When the temperature rises above zero degrees, you yell „Woohooo! Patio weather!“
You enjoy watching channel 47 multicultural TV
You’re guaranteed to know at least one person on every episode of Speaker’s Corner.
You haven’t been to the CN Tower since you were six, but still have nightmares about that damn turbo elevator.
You’ve had at least 3 bicycles stolen in the past 10 years.
You’ve partied with at least one of the members of The Kids in the Hall
You’ve fantasized about having sex in Casa Loma
At least 3 of your friends have moved to Vancouver
You turn your nose up at any establishment frequented by the S&M crowd. (Scarborough and Mississauga)
You never, never, never swim in the lake
You know „The Beaches“ are really called „The Beach“, but still say „The Beaches“ just to annoy all the nitwits who live there
You ever had a birthday party at the Organ Grinder or The Mad Hatter
You can say „world’s tallest freestanding structure“ ten times fast
You know the correct answer to „Where do shopping carts go to die?“ is „The Don River“
You speak better Chinese than French
The word „cabbagetown“ doesn’t strike you as particularily amusing
Castle Frank subway station remains one of the great mysteries of the universe for you.
You know what the bathrooms in the First Canadian Place are REALLY for
You don’t know where Fort York is, but have a vague recollection of being there in a past life
You know the Demic’s song „I Wanna Go To New York City“ was intended as sarcasm, not a weekend getaway suggestion
You know where to find Dim Sum, Sushi, Curry, Pad Thai and a dildo at 3 am on a weeknight
For the last time, it’s pronounced ‘TRONNA’!
You consider eye contact a sign of hostility and an invasion of your privacy.
It takes you half an hour to get to work by TTC and you are the envy of all your friends.
You mourned the death of the Spadina Bus.
You know someone who went to high school with at least one member of The Barenaked Ladies or RUSH
You laugh heartily at people who refer to highway four hundred and one.
You’ve taken the vomit comit.
You can manuver your bike across Queen st. without getting caught in the streetcar tracks.
You know the difference between souvlaki, moussaka and spanakoptia.
You can name at least three locations of The Beer Store that are open till 11 PM.
You have NEVER been to the Hard Rock Cafe

 

You might be a Canadian Redneck

Leider lassen sich diese Jokes zum Teil nicht ins Deutsche übersetzen. Denn Witze, die man erst erklären muß, verlieren doch einiges von Ihrem Charme. Ich hoffe, dass Sie auch so Ihren Spaß haben.

You might be a Canadian Redneck

if most of your clothing has Canadian beer logos on them.
if you’ve ever hummed „Bud the Spud“.
if you’ve never realized that most of the lyrics in Gordon Lightfoot’s „Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald“ don’t rhyme.
if most of your wardrobe is plaid (including hats).
if you like the music of Gordon Lightfoot, Stompin’ Tom, or Buffy Sainte Marie.
if you know who Gordon Lightfoot, Stompin’ Tom, or Buffy Sainte Marie are.
if you actually like to wear a toque.
if you mix French and English in the same sentence. (This only applies if you’re a Francophone.)
if you’ve ever been „out and about“.
if you „hang out“ at Tim Horton’s.
if you use the words „friggin’“ or „arse“ or „friggin’ arse! “ on a regular basis.
if you have a bumper sticker or an article of clothing that says „If you’re Canadian, show me your beaver.“
if you insist that Americans should know more about Canada, despite the fact the only part of America that exists for you is Florida.
if you have Canadian Tire catalogues in your house. (Extra points for any „really old“ ones.)
if you find any cartoon beaver funny.
if you only watched „the Beachcombers“ to see what Relic was up to.
if you know who Relic is.
if you’ve ever used your kitchen to dress/butcher game, make „chow“ or pickled beets.
if you had to find out which leaves make good toilet paper, mainly because you can’t use a dollar bill any more.
if you’ve told people you were a „government artist“, because you were „drawing“ pogey.
if any beer under 6% is considered good only for pouring on your „Shreddies“ in the morning.
if your entire French vocabulary was gleaned from cereal boxes.
if you think Don Cherry should be Prime Minister, or better still Minister of Foreign Affairs.
if you know „jacking deer“ isn’t a sexual innuendo.
if you own an ice auger.
if you have a „good“ parka for formal occasions.
if you consider Kraft Dinner, ketchup, beer and Crispy Crunch as the four major food groups.
if you shop exclusively at Canadian Tire for Christmas presents.
if your snowmobile or chainsaw payments have a higher priority than your car payments.
if you think the start of deer season should be a national holiday.
if the trunk of your car has ever doubled as a deep freeze.
if you will only go camping for a maximum of one night because your back pack will only holds one two-four.
if you have more than twenty dollars in Canadian Tire money.
if you still sing the „Great White North“ them song with pride „coo-ooh-coocoo-coo-ooh-coocoo“.
if you got pissed when Harold left the Red Green show.
if you always have a mickey of „CC“ or „Captain Morgan’s Dark“ on you.
if you think whoever invented de-alcoholized beer should have been strangled at birth.
if you consider the theme song of Hockey Night In Canada to be Canada’s second official National Anthem.
if you found any of this funny.

 

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

Die Kanadier haben einfach die besten Nehmer-Qualitäten.

50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
• New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
• Canadians plant gardens.

40° Fahrenheit (4.4° C)
• Californians shiver uncontrollably.
• Canadians Sunbathe.

35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
• Italian Cars won’t start
• Canadians drive with the windows down

32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C)
• Distilled water freezes
• Canadian water get thicker.

0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
• New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
• Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-40° Fahrenheit (-40° C)
• Hollywood disintegrates.
• Canadians rent some videos.

-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
• Mt. St. Helens freezes.
• Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-100° Fahrenheit (-73° C)
• Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
• Canadians pull down their ear flaps.

-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
• Ethyl alcohol Freezes.
• Canadians get frustrated when they can’t thaw the keg.

-460° Fahrenheit (-273° C)
• Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
• Canadians start saying „cold, eh?“

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
• Hell freezes over.
• The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.