The Beers n Bears Weblog » Jokes

Beers n Bears goes Gold

Wolfram Resch — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 18:08:11 +0000

Beers n Bears wird jetzt als Ergänzung zu seinem Kanada-Shop zusätzlich eine Community aufbauen, in der sich Kunden und Freunde austauschen können. Es wird u.a. auch die Möglichkeit geben, das die Mitglieder hier einen eigenen Blog installieren oder eine eigene Informationsseite aufbauen können.

Beers n Bears Gold Community

Außerdem wird es einen Chatroom, eine Bild-Datenbank und vieles mehr geben. Wir möchten aber darauf hinweisen, dass wir uns noch in der Entwicklungsphase befinden und das sich die Beers n Bears Gold Community noch in der Beta-Phase befindet. Trotzdem freuen wir uns natürlich auf Ihr Feedback, weitere Ideen und Ihre Verbesserungsvorschläge.

Hier geht es direkt zur Community.

A Candian Winter Statistic

Wolfram Resch — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 07:09:53 +0000

98% of Canadians say
Oh S**t’ Before going in the ditch on a slippery road.

A Winter Statistic

The other 2% are from Cape Breton and they say,
‘Hold my beer and watch this.’

Redneck fishing

Wolfram Resch — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 12:24:01 +0000

Also das man auf diese Art auch Fische fangen kann, war mir neu. Aber warum nicht….

The golden telephone

Wolfram Resch — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 18:29:13 +0000

A photographer on vacation was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read ‘$10,000 per call’.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very largecathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

‘O.K., thank you,’ said the American.

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington , Philadelphia , Boston , and New York .

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same ‘$10,000 per call’ sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.

He arrived in Canada, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read ‘50 cents per call.’

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. ‘Father, I’ve traveled all overAmerica and I’ve seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I’m told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in the US the price was$10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?’

The priest smiled and answered, ‘You’re in Canada now, son … it’s a local call.’

This is one tough Dodge truck….and one very hard core drinker!

Wolfram Resch — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 19:25:55 +0000

The driver hit the left turn light and sheared off the light post at the base, and then kept driving on for about 2 miles to Squires Four Pub, where he stopped for more beer!! How impaired do you have to be to NOT notice that you are carrying a stoplight? ( I wonder if the light was green? )

The truck was towed about 2.5 miles to the Vernon towing yard, with the light still pinched between the two tow hooks and the bumper bent around it.

It took several good hard pulls with a backhoe to get the pole free.

How to avoid the flu

Wolfram Resch — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 11:59:52 +0000

Eat right!
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because
exercise helps build your immune system.

Walk for at least an hour a day,

go for a swim,

take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often.
If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress
from your life as you can.

Get plenty of rest.

Take the doctor’s approach.
Think about it…
When you go for a shot,
what do they do first?
They Clean your arm with alcohol…
Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So……

I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my Co rona …(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh….(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it…

If you keep your alcohol levels up,
flu germs can’t get you!

My grandmother always said,
‘A shot in the glass
is better than one in the ass!’

Two little boys

Wolfram Resch — Wed, 13 May 2009 06:56:39 +0000

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it.

If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.
The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children,
so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first,
in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
‘Do you know where God is, son?’

The boy’s mouth dropped open , but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth
hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
‘Where is God?’

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, ‘Where is God?’
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet,
slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, ‘What happened?’
The younger brother, gasping for breath,replied,
‘We are in BIG trouble this time,’

‘GOD is missing, and the old bastard thinks we did it!’

Das unbekannte Kanada

Wolfram Resch — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 06:12:16 +0000

Du glaubst alles über Kanada zu wissen? Ich glaube nicht. Guckst Du hier.

You know you’re in Canada…

Wolfram Resch — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 06:42:00 +0000

You know you’re in Canada when:

You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie…with only 8 buttons
The mosquitoes have landing lights.
Leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
You can get a pizza to your house faster than an ambulance

You know you’re in North America when:

They have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
We use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
People order large fries a double cheeseburger and a diet coke.
Banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the desks.

You know you’re in the USA when:

Drug stores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front!
FYI: Can’t buy cigarettes in pharmacies in Canada.

You know that you are Canadian when …

Wolfram Resch — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 08:30:10 +0000

You know that you are Canadian when:

You’re not offended by the term, „Homo Milk.“
You understand the phrase, „Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield.“
You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.
You drink pop, not soda.
You know what a Mickey and 2-4 mean.
You don’t care about the fuss with Cuba. It’s a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars.
You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.
You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.
You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion and many more are Canadians.
You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!
You know what a touque is.
You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced „Zed“ not „Zee“.
You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
You know how to pronounce and spell „Saskatchewan.“
You perk up when you hear the theme song from „Hockey Night in Canada.“
You were in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
„Eh?“ is a very important part of your vocabulary and more polite than, „Huh?“
Winter. Whenever you want it. And then some.
There’s German food, Italian food, Chinese food, Armenian food, American food, but NO Canadian food.
You call a „mouse“ a „moose“.
You like the Americans a little because they don’t want Quebec either.
Contests run by anyone other than the government have „skill-testing questions“ that winners must answer correctly before they can claim a prize.
Everything is labelled in English and French.
Milk comes in plastic bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
Mountain Dew has no caffeine.